Have you ever been excited about something until someone told you that you “MUST” do it? Suddenly, it doesn’t seem so appealing. Maybe a friend insists, “You HAVE to watch this show, it’s amazing.” Instead of being convinced, you now oddly feel like not watching it. That little twinge of resistance, that stubborn urge to do the opposite of what you’re told, is something psychologists call reactance. In simple terms, psychological reactance is a strong motivational reaction we have when we feel someone is pressuring us and threatening our freedom to choose. Put another way, it’s our desire to do exactly the opposite of what we’re being forced to do.
Reactance isn’t just a quirky behavior; it’s a well-studied psychological phenomenon. The theory of psychological reactance was first proposed by psychologist Jack Brehm in 1966. Brehm noticed that when people feel their freedom of choice is being taken away, they become motivated to regain that freedom, often by resisting or doing the opposite of what’s being demanded. In other words, the “forbidden fruit” suddenly becomes more desirable. We’ve all experienced this. Signs that say “KEEP OUT” or “DO NOT TOUCH” often tempt people to do exactly what’s forbidden, a classic example of reactance. We’re wired to dislike feeling controlled. If a rule or command threatens our freedom (like a sudden ban or an aggressive sales pitch), we naturally bristle and resist. This reactance can even make the restricted option more appealing than it was before. Parents of teenagers know this all too well: forbid your teen from seeing a certain friend, and you might just find that friend becomes even more important to them. The same effect was shown in a classic study by Jack Brehm and Sharon Brehm. In the experiment, children were told they could not play with a particular toy. The result? The boys in the study wanted that forbidden toy more than ever once it was off-limits. The “grass” literally looked greener on the side they were not allowed to play. This is reactance in action, and it highlights a key point: whenever we feel our choices are limited without our consent, we tend to rebel to take back control.
Now, how does this relate to persuasion and negotiation? It turns out reactance is a big reason why certain high-pressure tactics backfire. Imagine a stereotypical hard-sell car salesperson who says something like, “This deal is only good for the next 5 minutes, you have to sign right now!” That kind of approach often triggers an internal refusal and the customer’s reactance kicks in. Every time the salesperson pushes harder, the customer’s instinct is to push back harder in the opposite direction. In negotiations, the same principle applies. If one party feels cornered or pressured into accepting terms, they’re likely to become defensive and resistant. We’ve all heard the phrase “driving a hard bargain,” but if you drive too hard, the other side might slam the brakes. Reactance is basically our mind’s anti-persuasion reflex: push me and I push back. Not only will we resist the idea being forced on us, but we might also start to feel annoyed with the person trying to persuade us. In fact, research on reactance shows that people often experience hostile or angry feelings toward the source of the pressure. Think of a heated negotiation where one side feels bulldozed. They won’t just reject the proposal; they could begin to actively dislike and distrust the person who’s pushing them. This obviously isn’t good for reaching any agreement.
So, knowing that reactance is basically a persuasion killer, what can we do about it? How can we work around reactance in our persuasion and negotiation efforts? The key is surprisingly straightforward: respect people’s freedom to choose. If you want to convince someone of something, the worst approach is to issue an order or make them feel they have no choice. Instead, savvy communicators find ways to give the other person a sense of control. For instance, simply reminding someone that they are free to decide can dramatically reduce reactance. Psychologists have found that adding a phrase like “but of course, it’s up to you” to a request or recommendation makes people less inclined to resist. Those few words give the person a moment to breathe and think, “Okay, I’m still in charge here.” One persuasion expert noted that when you explicitly acknowledge someone’s autonomy (saying something like “This is your call, not mine”) it decreases the unconscious resistance and people become more open to the suggestion. In fact, sales research shows that telling a customer “It’s completely OK if you say no” can speed up honest responses and build trust, because the person no longer feels a need to rebel just to prove their independence. Counterintuitive as it sounds, giving someone permission to say no can make them less likely to use that option and more willing to say yes.
Another way to sidestep reactance is to offer choices instead of ultimatums. This technique is so simple but so effective. Think about dealing with a strong-willed toddler (or even a stubborn colleague!). If you say to a toddler, “Put your coat on now!” you might get a tantrum. But if you ask, “Do you want to wear the red coat or the blue coat today?” suddenly the child is happily putting on a coat because they chose it. You’ve achieved your goal (the kid wears a coat) without triggering defiance. Psychologists describe exactly this strategy: rather than framing a decision as a yes-or-no demand, frame it as a choice between acceptable options. “Do you want the red coat or the blue coat?” is much more effective than “Wear your coat, please.” The child feels in control, and the outcome (wearing a coat) is achieved with far less drama. The same idea works with adults. In a negotiation, instead of saying, “Here’s my final offer, take it or leave it,” you might present two or three different proposals that would all work for you. By letting the other person pick among your options, you’re giving them a sense of ownership in the decision. They’re more likely to choose one, rather than rejecting the single option they feel is being shoved at them.
Ultimately, working around reactance means avoiding a head-on collision with someone’s need for freedom. Persuasion is most effective when it doesn’t feel like coercion. If people feel like they’re still in the driver’s seat, they are less likely to hit the brakes on your idea. This approach is even backed by counseling research: therapists using techniques like motivational interviewing have long understood that direct confrontation only breeds more resistance, whereas a respectful, choice-oriented conversation makes clients more willing to change. In other words, when people are treated as the autonomous decision-makers they are, they don’t have to rebel.
Reactance is a natural human response. It’s basically the mind’s way of shouting, “You’re not the boss of me!” We’ve all felt it, and we’ll all feel it again. But if you’re trying to persuade or negotiate, you don’t want to be on the receiving end of that shout. The good news is that by understanding reactance, you can adapt your approach. Give options, not orders. Suggest, don’t shove. Make it clear that the final decision lies with them. By doing so, you’ll find people are far more open to hearing you out. They might even come around to your idea all on their own, happily thinking it was their choice, and that’s a win-win outcome for both sides. In the end, persuasion and negotiation aren’t about winning by force; they’re about guiding someone to want to agree with you. And nothing opens the mind quite like the feeling of freedom. When someone feels in control and unpressured, that knee-jerk reactance fades away, and real communication can begin.